My anxieties that have been nagging me at the back of my mind. And my to do lists. And the things I have yet to say out loud to the people I love. and then slowly to my body, my breathing, the instrumental version of my favourite tune in that moment in time.
Sometimes I go into a loop of 'nothing matters' (which I do find really reassuring!) then progresses to 'nothing really matters because I matter'. Usually when I transition from feeling 'nothing' in terms of the elements around me to feeling only my body very deeply.
It's like fighting to close a heavy door on the windiest day of the year - it's tough, and loud, and you're exposed to all the elements of the outside. But once it's shut, it's this immense relief and quietness.
At some point I can no longer tell where I end and where the water begins. I am one with the water, with the salt. My body is still and my brain can finally come up for air.
If I wiggle my toes, it feels like a huge delay between me thinking of it and actually feeling it - plus it feels so far away. It feels like an out of body experience that I can sometimes be childish with.
I went into the float with an overactive happy mind and I was worried about not being able to quiet it. But I did and the calmness I experienced was almost euphoric? I remember thinking that I always considered joy a 'high energy' emotion (both mentally and physically) but in that moment it was one of calm quiet content. I guess I learnt something new about myself and the way I can process emotions.
Another time was when I brought my little brother with me. This was such a lovely way to spend a morning together after an extended time of not seeing each other. We bonded over our experiences and the journey we just had separately but together. Extremely cute day.
